Joss Haiku

by Mia

Hey look it’s Joss Man 
Numfar! Do the Dance of Joy 
feet pitter patter All Nekkid all gay 
an all musical Buffy 
Always dignity 

Am I not the king? 
Purr, Purr, Purr all the night through 
Thats the Jossy way 

He’s come here to lie 
It’s gonna be cool, trust me 
He’s come here to lie 

Joss is a hottie 
Kai & Kiba know its true 
Us Bronzers love you 

 

Evil, Evil, Old Man Joss

Evil, Evil, Old Man Joss*

by Christopher Marlowe

Well the south of LA
Is the best part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named Old Man Joss

Now Joss, more than trouble
You see he stands less than six foot-four
All the downtown ladies call him “Hottie”
All the men just call him “God”

And he’s the evilest, evilest, Old Man Joss
The most evil man in the whole damned town
More evil than Rod Serling
And meaner than that man Chris Carter

Now Joss, he’s a weevil
And he like his fancy plots
And he like to wave his writing pen
In front of everybody’s nose
He got a unofficial web site
He got a billy goat too
He got a 22-episode story in his mind full of evil
He got a spinoff called Angel

And he’s the evilest, evilest, Old Man Joss
The most evil man in the whole damned town
More evil than Rod Serling
And meaner than that man Chris Carter

Now Friday ’bout 5-years ago
Joss, writin’ scripts
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named Sarah Michelle Gellar
And oo that girl looked nice
Well he cast her in his show
And the trouble soon began
Then good ol’ Joss, he learned a lesson
‘Bout a’ messin’ with the life of the beloved Buffy

And he’s the evilest, evilest, Old Man Joss
The most evil man in the whole damned town
More evil than Rod Serling
And meaner than that man Chris Carter

Well, the Buffster took to fighting
And when he saw her lying there

Joss decided to create a puzzle
By making her dead and gone

And he’s so the best, the best, Old Man Joss
The evilest man in the whole damned town
More evil than Rod Serling
And meaner than that man Chris Carter
More evil than Rod Serling

and meaner than that man Chris Carter

*to the tune of Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown

 

Limericks

There once was a writer named Joss
that took up a pen (and mint floss);
who, with the tale of a Slayer,
using laughter and prayer,
keeps us hooked on emotional loss.
When a demon called Numfar did prance
Some called him the Lord of the Dance
But when Joss sets to writing
Buffy’s crying and fighting,
well, the joke’s more important for all that.

Dunlin

BtVS Carols

BtVS CAROLS
by ThoinTHE FIRST SLAYER
(to the tune of “The First Noel”)
The First Slayer, all alone she did dwell
Fighting vampires and cavemen and minions of hell.

She hunted and she fought with no friends at her side
Through a lifetime foreshortened alone did abide.

Slayer, Slayer, Slayer, Slayer
Quite all alone ‘gainst the minions of hell.

Other Slayers they came and they made their own rules
And they battled the vampires and werewolves and ghouls.

And their Watchers kept them safe, taught them well, all they’d known
But above all, they kept them, each one, all alone.

Slayer, Slayer, Slayer, Slayer
Quite all alone ‘gainst the minions of hell.

Then at last one fair young girl wasn’t “found” quite as young
While her Watcher to stale old traditions ne’er clung.

So with family and friends she set forth for to Slay
Not forsaking her task nor forgetting to play.

Slayer, Slayer, Slayer, Slayer
Not all alone ‘gainst the minions of hell.

So she struggled and she fought and she learned and grew strong
And she proved to the world what was true all along,

That true strength, it doesn’t come through a turning of fate
But with family and friends, love can conquer all hate.

Slayer, Slayer, Slayer, Slayer
Never alone ‘gainst the minions of hell!

Slayer, Slayer, Slayer, Slayer
Fought is the good fight and now bide you well!

AWAY IN A SEWER
(to the tune, more or less, of “Away In A Manger”)
Away in a sewer, on no blood he’s fed.
The little lost vampire hangs down his dark head.
He’s hunted the alleys, the sidewalks, the park.
No victims he found there, alone in the dark.

The moon high above him looks down with a sneer.
But little lost vampire, he sheds not a tear.
“I’ll find a meal ticket” he says with a growl.
Then out of the sewer he sets forth to prowl.

Outside a small Quick-Mart he spots a glad sight,
A little old lady out shopping at night.
Her pension check flutters against the night wind
He spots it, “A bonus!” he said and then grinned.

She’s checking her groceries, she’s counting her change.
He’s fixing coordinates and finding his range.
She steps past the streetlight, in shadow she treads.
No sound on the pavement is made by her Keds.

He follows her closely while wetting his lips.
He’s reaching out for her when just then she trips.
His fingers they catch on the strap of her purse.
She straightens and spots him and then it gets worse.

A glorious smile engulfs her old face
“Why I thought I was quite all alone in this place.”
“You’re such a sweet person to help me this way.
For the sake of your soul this whole night I will pray.”

And she reached out and hugged him and then walked away
From a little lost vampire with no one to slay.
Then from out of the night wind, a soft voice it spoke.
The words touched the vampire and hung like a yoke.

“Even if not intended, a kindness was done.
For it’s sake, and not yours, a boon has been won.”
“I’ll not kill you now, you won’t be staked tonight.
But if you’d live on, you’ll get out of my sight.”

The Slayer, she talked while the vampire, he heard
With no second warnings or pleases proferred.
But he heard her exclaim as he sprang into flight,
“Merry Christmas, I guess. But, good Joss! What a night!”

HARK, THE SCOOBY GANG DID SING
(to the tune of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”)
Hark, the Scooby Gang did sing
Watch out for that awful thing!
Dripping fangs and slashing claws
Contravening nature’s laws.

If we fight it, we can’t win.
There our troubles all begin.
Buffy, we need you and how!
Not sometime soon, but here and now!

Hark, the Scooby Gang did sing
Watch out for that awful thing!

Then did Xander take his stake
And a Xena war-cry fake.
Although it availed him not,
Anya thought that he was hot.

Willow wobbled, Tara trembled
Before undead things assembled.
Giles tried his best to duck
Surviving only by pure luck.

Hark the Scooby Gang did sing
Watch out for that awful thing!

Dawn was out of energy
Riley no one there could see
Spike was hiding in his crypt
Wishing he could be unchipped.

While Joyce slumbers, safe and sound
Evil’s roaming all around.
Harmony, for once not sniping,
Seeking some trinkets worth the swiping.

Hark, the Scooby Gang did sing,
Watch out for that awful thing!

Jonathan was still in college
Seeking love and faking knowledge.
Wes and Cordy were together
Seeking Angel in black leather.

Gunn was hunting all alone,
Dennis haunting there at home.
As the death toll slowly rises
Morning will bring sad surprises.

Hark the Scooby Gang did sing
Watch out for that awful thing!

O WATCHER-MINE!
(to the tune of “O Tannenbaum!” or “Oh, Christmas Tree”)
O Watcher-Mine, O Watcher-Mine
Please look the answer up for me!
The danger’s close, the threat draws near.

The answer must be somewhere here

O Watcher-Mine, O Watcher-Mine
Please look the answer up for me!

Oh, bookish sort, please don’t say no
I’ll wait here ‘neath this mistletoe.
I know you’ll find just what I need.
Those musty tomes I cannot read.

O Watcher-Mine, O Watcher-Mine
Please look the answer up for me!

The way is dim, outcome obscure
My trust in you is ever sure.
You have the roadmap for each quest
And hold each one close to your vest.

O Watcher-Mine, O Watcher-Mine
Please look the answer up for me!

The situation’s growing dire
Another vampire soon they’ll sire,
or mystic mojo they will find
To wipe away all humankind.

O Watcher-Mine, O Watcher-Mine
Please look the answer up for me!

What’s this you say? Go out and play?
Come bother you another day?
You laugh at me? You mock? You scoff?
You turn away and brush me off?

O Watcher-Mine, O Watcher-Mine
Please look the answer up for me!

I understand, the fault is mine.
I cannot bring myself to whine.
I just can’t sell these psychodramas
While in my yummy sushi ‘jamas!

O Watcher-Mine, O Watcher-Mine
Please look the answer up for me!

GOOD VAMP ANGEL
(to the tune of: Good King Wenscelas)
Good vamp Angel set his sights, for redemption he was willing
To fight for right and assist the plight of the humans vamps were killing.
With brooding scowl the streets did prowl this hero most mysterious
When came glad tidings such as made our dark knight quite delirious.

While on patrol came upon a scroll did the vamp detective one night
But went unread what the parchment said, though he tried with all his dark
might.
The parchment that he struggled with might yet have gone unread still
But Wesley came, he of Watcher fame, and he offered up his truest skill.

“To read this stuff, though it might seem tough, isn’t much more than mere
child’s play.
I’ve read the scroll and it might seem droll, but pay heed to what it does
say.
It speaks about a vampire souled, a warrior brave and true.
They wrote his fate here upon this slate. That vampire, chum, is you-ou-ou.”

“A battle comes, not with swords or guns, but inhuman monster legions
The war they bring visits Deaths own sting over all the wide world’s
regions.
When End Days near, through dangers drear, and cataclysms loomin’
You’ll fight and slay. Should you win the day, you’re reward is to be
human!”

Now good vamp Angel battles on though his spirit’s often flagging.
One hope to hold in a heart grown cold, still a load of guilt he’s dragging.
He hopes, it’s true, but one thing too, he often begs in prayer:
To battle on when his strength is gone for the sake of his dear Slayer!

WE THREE VAMPS
(to the tune of “We Three Kings”)
I.
We three vamps to Sunnydale came
Fangs all bared and seeking fresh game.
We were ready for more than petit fours,
Knowing the Hellmouth’s fame.

Oh-h-h-h…

Slayer strong who stands to fight,
Slayer filled with mystic might,
We came to slay, we meant to stay.
You taught us otherwise that night.

II.
Our paths were bound to cross at some time
We didn’t know, was that such a crime?
We hadn’t heard and went undeterred
To face you down in your prime.

Oh-h-h-h…

Slayer who destroyed our dreams
Nothing is quite what it seems.
If not a feast we’d thought at least
We’d get to hear your dying screams.

III.
Bold we came and battled and fought
Because your fame we knew of it naught.
Our thoughts awhirl, “She’s just a girl!”
And easy to kill, we thought.

Oh-h-h-h…

Slayer brandishing your stake
You meant our undead lives to take.
Was this your justice, just to dust us
When our thirst we tried to slake?

IV.
We were forced to flee you that day.
To survive we did run away.
We bear the shame but you’re to blame.
And all we can do is say:

Oh-h-h-h…

Slayer young and blond and hot,
You who showed us what we’re not,
Our feelings true? Well, here’s a clue,
In dark hell may you ever rot.

I SAW BUFFY DUSTING SANTA CLAUS
(to the tune of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”)

I saw Buffy dusting Santa Claus
With a stake of mistletoe last night
They didn’t see me there, hiding underneath a chair
They thought that I had taken to my heels in utter fright.

That’s why I saw Buffy stab old Santa Claus,
Staked him through the red snowsuit he wore.
I should not have let him in, I suppose it was a sin
But he seemed so fat and jolly, and quite human, at my door.

And so I saw Buffy staking Santa Claus
Underneath our family Christmas tree
I suppose he took a present to a small vampire resident
of Sunnydale, and ended up an undead designee.

But when I saw Buffy killing Santa Claus
As he gnashed his fangs all pearly white
How I wished my sister Sue could have shared that wondrous view
Of Buffy staking Santa Claus last night!

THE LITTLE SCOOBY BOY
(to the tune of “The Little Drummer Boy”)
Run, they told me, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
This evil we must flee, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
If to your life you’d cling, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Avoid this undead thing, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum

But I waited there, par-rum-pa-pum-pum 
for what was to come.

Evil drawing near, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Held nothing I should fear, par-rum-pa-pum-pum.
I had my cross and stake, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Their undead lives to take, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum

So I waited there, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
For what was to come.

Then, at last, they came, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
And it was just the same, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Against all common sense, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
To fight I did commence, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum

And, as usual, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
It ended up dumb.

With my normal grace, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
I beat fists with my face, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
In groups of three or four, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
With me they mopped the floor, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum

After just awhile, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
My skull, it was numb.

Buffy, I need you, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
I’m o’er my head, it’s true, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
One favor I would ask, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Before you start this task, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum

When you see the gang, par-rum-pa-pum-pum
I’m feeling quite dumb
So please keep this mum!

THE 12 DAYS OF BUFFY
(to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)
On the first day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
A great program on my TV!

On the second day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Two dreadful demons,
And a great program on my TV!

On the third day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons,
And a great program on my TV!

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons,
And a great program on my TV!

On the fifth day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons,
And a great program on my TV!

On the sixth day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Six sexy Scoobies,
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons
And a great program on my TV!

On the seventh day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Seven slinking slimedemons,
Six sexy Scoobies,
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons
And a great program on my TV!

On the eighth day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Eight of the Master’s minions,
Seven slinking slimedemons,
Six sexy Scoobies,
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons
And a great program on my TV!

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Nine hooded horrors,
Eight of the Master’s minions,
Seven slinking slimedemons,
Six sexy Scoobies,
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons
And a great program on my TV!

On the tenth day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Ten winsome Watchers,
Nine hooded horrors,
Eight of the Master’s minions,
Seven slinking slimedemons,
Six sexy Scoobies,
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons
And a great program on my TV!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Eleven apocalyptic epochs,
Ten winsome Watchers,
Nine hooded horrors,
Eight of the Master’s minions,
Seven slinking slimedemons,
Six sexy Scoobies,
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons
And a great program on my TV!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Slayer gave to me:
Twelve vicious vampires,
Eleven apocalyptic epochs,
Ten winsome Watchers,
Nine hooded horrors,
Eight of the Master’s minions,
Seven slinking slimedemons,
Six sexy Scoobies,
Five Gentlemen!
Four fearsome fang-gangs,
Three mystic mages,
Two dreadful demons
And a great program on my TV!

LITTLE SPELLS
(to the tune of: Silver Bells)
Little Wicca, gentle Wicca
With your spellbooks and sage
And your herbs and your mortar and pestle
You’re still learning, spirits yearning
To become a true mage,
As you’re chanting and casting we say:

Little spells! Little spells!
Willow and Tara together!
Work all night to get it right,
A spell that might just save the day!

Tongue of lizard, chicken gizzard
Wing of bat, dragon’s blood
All are added together and ground fine.
Pinch of monkshood makes the mix good.
Add in black, boiling mud.
As it simmers you might hear us say:

Little spells! Little spells!
Willow and Tara together!
Work all night to get it right,
A spell that might just save the day!

Draw the symbols, chime the cymbals
Bring the candles to flame
Pull the elements ’round like a curtain
Speak a soft word, free a white bird
Chant a deity’s name
As the glow starts you will hear us say:

Little spells! Little spells!
Willow and Tara together!
Work all night to get it right,
A spell that might just save the day!

Life’s Greatest Mystery

Joss,

Well, I wanted to write a little note to explain/introduce my little poem selection, but I just couldn’t come up with anything eloquent enough.  So… here goes me just being me.  The poem below is the first one I ever wrote, and just seemed to fit the last half of this season of Buffy.  Thank you for the creation of your fantabulous characters, and just for you being you.  Happy Birthday!  

Life’s Greatest Mystery

The time has come for us to know 
Why ones we love must come and go. 
In times of need, in times of hate, 
The heart that bleeds must slowly emancipate 
The soul of one held dear. 
The memories are all too clear. 
The times of fun, 
Laughing in the sun, 
They all must end 
In one of life’s many bends. 
Why it must end, who can explain? 
Life’s greatest mystery, held in disdain. 
When the time has come to die, 
From the body, the soul must fly. 
Up to the heavens it will go, 
On a lost wind, it will blow.

By DreamingHawk
Dallas, Tx

Horn-y Host of Caritas

Horn-y Host of Caritas
(to be sung to the tune of Lady Marmalade)
by Dirty Socks
Hey Hostie, Go Hostie, Soul Hostie, Go Hostie (x2)
We met Krevlorneswa down in Old Caritas
Struttin’ his stuff on the stage
He said ‘Hello,
hey goon, you wanna sing us a tune?
‘Mmm Hmmm Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Here
Down the Seabreeze baby Ya Ya
Horn-y Host of Caritas
Voulez-vous chanter avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous chanter avec moi?
Thrown into this world when
a porthole opened up
Glad to leave the crazy Pylea behind
There he opened his dig
and he started to sing
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Here
Down the Seabreeze baby Ya Ya
Horn-y Host of Caritas
Voulez-vous chanter avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous chanter avec moi?
Heh, Heh, Hehhhh
Seeing his skin with that garden hue
Colour of green things outside
Belting out tunes inside
Crowds roaring till they cried
More, More, More
Now he’s back home in his Pylean world
Reliving his nightmarish life
But sometime when at home
We might hear his momma groan
Numfar do the Dance of Joy!
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da Da
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya here
Down the Seabreeze baby Ya Ya
Horn-y Host of Caritas
Voulez-vous chanter avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous chanter avec moi?
Voulez-vous chanter avec moi ce soir?
Horn-y Host of Caritas

Happy Birthday Joss

Hellmouths and demons – your forte

A story-teller supreme

Passion and vision flows from you

Perhaps this was destined to be

Yours is a gift many envy

Buffy’s is a story we crave

In every episode there’s genius

Real emotions keep coming in waves

The storylines grow with each season

Heartache and joy hand in hand

Dancing to the tune of the master

A thrill ride – the best in the land

You never cease to amaze us

Just when we think there’s no more

One hundred episodes and we’re still hungry, to

See what you next have in store

So sincere birthday greetings I’m sending

And although it’s in terrible rhyme *g*

My heartfelt thanks and respect to you also

Because I’ve had the “Best of all times”

I hope you have the kind of birthday you deserve – best wishes – rikki

Greetings for your birthday

Have a good one Joss, your the man! a Scriptwriting genius.
Simon

Joss, 
Thank you for realizing your vision and sharing with us. 
Have a great birthday, 
Susan
 

Joss, 
I just want you to know that I have been with your show 
from the very first episode. I have yet to miss an episode. 
Usually I don’t  watch TV but you’ve got something great 
going if you’ve managed to keep my attention for five years. 
After watching the last episode this season I was under the impression that this was the the end for Buffy. Talk about disappointment. Thank goodness I went to the Buffy sites 
to find out what was going on. Anyway your doing a great 
job!! Have a great birthday!!! Keep your imagination alive…
Womanbuyer

Dear Joss,
First of all I just want to say how much I enjoy both “Buffy” and 
“Angel”, and have been a devoted fan for a long time. You really are a 
genius. You probably get that a lot, but without you, there wouldn’t be Buffy, and without Buffy, there wouldn’t be a role model for me to look up to. Thank you. As for looking up to Buffy, maybe that would be down, seeing as what you did with “The Gift” (superb episode by the way, congrats). 😉 Anyways, I wish you a very happy birthday. I hope you have a great day and celebrate it with family and friends. I’m also proud to be a member of the Joss Is A Hottie Fan Club! Hehe.
Kellyn

HI Joss! Happy Birthday! I’m just one of the many huge fans that loves your work.  …I think you’re a great guy and a fabulous writer, creator, director, comic guy, et. al and you are doing a wonderful job of not having a nervous breakdown because of all the work you have to do. Good Luck with Fray, Buffy(especially the musical!), Angel, the Buffy animated series, and all your other projects. You never cease to amaze me with what you do. Have a fun birthday and remember: you can only keep turning 21 so often. 
With Lots of Love and Respect, 
buffygirl
 

Joss~ 
Man, I love you in so many ways! You are the creative genius of the world! You have literally changed my life, the way I view it and the way I analize things! You’ve changed so many people’s minds about things, and I think it takes a big person to have acheived all that in 5 short years with 2 television shows, both of which are based on the same concept and characters. I’d just like you to know that you have changed the life of a 15 (11 at Buffy’s premiere) year old girl (that’d be me) who is about to face life and the future, and in some odd way, prepared her for those big scary demons. Happy birthday! I’m pumped and psyched for this fall’s premieres, and would like to thank you for being so creative. You have created the characters I dream about and think about while bored in school. You rock man! Have a good one!Courtney

Happy Birthday, Joss!
You are the best!  From Hill Street Blues to The West Wing, I have been a fan of many great television shows but none have ever amazed me as much as Buffy/Angel.  Your vision is twisted, amusing, touching, and exciting – sometimes all at once.  You are truly a genius (and, I suspect there may be something to all that “God” talk).  Looking forward to the next five years (and many more, besides).
Best wishes,
Marybeth

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSS!  Thank you soooo much for the fun, excitement and good old fashioned terror you’ve given all us fans in the form of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel . Have a great day, and don’t stop writing! 
‘If it weren’t for you, we would forget 
what stakes and crosses were for.’ 
Thanking you a lot,
Eddie
 

Dear Joss,
 I just wanted to say Happy Birthday…and take this opportunity to thank you.   Your commitment and love for Buffy and its fans is phenominal. I first started watching in the first season, and haven’t missed an episode since, even the re-runs.  My mom and sister have started watching, along with my dad.  Everytime the episode is sad I cry, and I think of the episode for days. I quote the show non-stop and annoy my friends.  I have the Buffy bears, shirts, books, and lollipops.  I live in SunnyVale, CA and everyone thinks my Sunnydale shirt says SunnyVale, and it starts conversations all the time.  My favorite Buffy moment is when Angel turns human and has to turn back.  I loved the finale and am counting the days ’til it is back on.  You are a genius and I just want to say “Thank you” and Happy Birthday.
Happy birthday,
Jenn

Happy Birthday!
andyourlittledogtoo

 

Joss, I hope that you have a wonderful birthday. You will probably never know how much you’ve done for me the last couple of years, but suffice to say it’s made a world of difference. I wish you all the best and hope that you get everything you want for your birthday.
Terri (greeneyes)

I wish the man happiness that has entertained me for the past few years. May his ideas and dream continue to strive throughout his life, and beyond.

Sincerly yours,
Tek Pa

I hope you have a dignified birthday!
SocKs