Except recently I’ve come to see the value of flow.  Of skipping to the thing I need, rather than doing things in the right order.  Of not reading the chapters in the book that are completely irrelevant to my life.  (Yes, with non-fiction, I sometimes read every word of everything, including the acknowledgments and stuff about things that have no bearing on my life.)  Of looking at a blog that’s gotten my attention and saying, “You know, you’re not the thing I need to read right now.  I’ll comeback to you later.”  And of listening to my intuition when it says things like, “People keep talking about Danielle LaPorte.  I should probably check her out.  Maybe she’s what I need right now.”  (She is.)

If you are a person who successfully asks yourself this question often, you rock.  If you’re a person who doesn’t do that, you rock too, but why not give it a try?

When we talked about what tests I should have before our next follow-up, something amazing happened, and I made a graphic to express my joy.

Anyhoozles.

I am somewhat recently diagnosed with secondary hypothyroidism, brought on by Hashimoto’s autoimmune thyroiditis.  Since September or October (before I was diagnosed), I’ve been reading up on this stuff and learning what I can do to heal.  And it’s kind of influencing everything I do and it doesn’t feel like a lame excuse anymore for not being social or whatever, so I’m ready to talk about it.

LIFE STORY TIME!  ohmygoshyouguysthispostissolong

So, when I was in middle school, my mom was really sick.  A lot.  Super fatigued and whatnot.  Eventually she was diagnosed with pernicious anemia, a Vitamin B12 deficiency, and started getting shots for that.  It helped some, but not entirely.  Even after starting the shots, there were days when she didn’t have the energy to get out of bed.  She was seeing a neuropsychologist who noticed that her symptoms sounded like thyroid disease and she got tested for that and diagnosed.

When I went to college, I developed a pretty severe clinical depression.  I lost maybe ten pounds due to not eating and some other stuff.  My doctor (a pediatrician) gave me an antidepressant when I told her I’d had several symptoms for more than two months.  A little while after I started the antidepressants, I started to gain the weight back.  But then I kept gaining.  And gaining.  At an absurd rate, like, 5 lbs a week.  I thought it was just a side effect of the antidepressants, at first.  Then I started having extreme menstrual irregularity, like having a 40-60 day menstrual cycle.  My doctor put me on an estrogen/progesterone combo to get that under control.

Knowing what I know now about thyroid disease, I’m actually pretty angry we didn’t catch this sooner.  Three trademark symptoms – plus going gray at age 21 (in a family where the only people who did that had thyroid disease!) and a family history of hypothyroidism – but we just kept treating the symptoms, not looking for the cause.

My mom and I finally started to put the puzzle pieces together.  My pediatrician didn’t know a lot about hypothyroidism (and why would she? It’s pretty rare in kids) but gave me a referral to an endocrinologist.  The endocrinologist ran a few blood tests – TSH (the most typical one for checking on the thyroid), Free T4, Free T3, antimicrosomal antibodies – basically, all the major thyroid tests except the one that is used to diagnose Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.  Yes, my test results were “normal,” but they weren’t optimal.  (Of course, with all the reading I’ve done, I’m not sure which research defining optimal levels happened when so it’s likely the info I have now is better than what she had then.)  She said I should have my TSH tested once a year and see a nutritionist.  (Seeing a nutritionist is a good idea.  But the way she talked about it, what I heard was, “You’re fat and it’s because you’re eating too much, fatty fat fat.”  Not, “Nutrition is important for good health and you could benefit from some professional expertise on that, as could pretty much everyone ever.”)

I was angry but felt helpless.

So I had my TSH tested every year for the next 8 years.  And it was always “normal.”

Finally, last May, I was frustrated enough to take matters into my own hands.  I told my doctor I wanted a thorough thyroid profile, not just the TSH.  She gave me a lab order for it which I took to a local retail lab.  My results came back normal except for the antibodies which are a marker of Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.  They were a little high; this basically meant I definitely had Hashimoto’s, but there was only one study that suggested there was anything at all to be done about this. I resigned myself to having to wait until antibodies and lymphocytes had destroyed my thyroid badly enough for the more common diagnostic tests to show up as abnormal.

That was a few weeks after I graduated library school.  I was looking for a job at that time; the longer I went without finding one, the more depressed I became.  (This is a case of correlation rather than causation, I think; we’ll get to that in a minute.)  I was irritable and lethargic.  I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone.  I felt like nothing was worth doing.  I didn’t have suicidal ideations or anything, but I was right miserable.  I was so depressed that my sister asked me if I was still taking my antidepressants.  (I was.  Faithfully.)

Then I got a job!  Which, since I thought that was the cause of my depression-like symptoms, would fix it, yeah?  No.  Things only got worse.  It got to the point where I used up every bit of energy I had working, so that when I came home I couldn’t do simple things like make dinner or do laundry.  Will and I were about to move, and I couldn’t pack anything or even summon the energy to do stuff like transfer the utilities.  (Our usual division of labor is that I plan and he does stuff.  I was falling down on my end of the deal, which I’d never recognized was important before.  It was kind of nice to see that when I was well, I actually contributed something to the household, but it was really crappy to see that when I was ill, I was even less helpful than I thought I was when I was well.)

It was too much.  I couldn’t keep going like this.  It wasn’t normal.  A person is not supposed to be this exhausted, even if they are working with middle schoolers all day.

I went back to the retail lab and had the blood tests done again.

My antibodies had tripled and my thyroid hormone results were at the very low end of “normal,” meaning very far from optimal.  I decided to at least try going to my doctor and proposing a therapeutic trial of replacement thyroid hormone, since there was that one study that showed it decreased antibodies and maybe postponed or even prevented the destruction of the thyroid.  I sent her the article a few nights before my appointment and explained how immensely symptomatic I was, my family history, and what I wanted to try.

I was sure she would not agree.

I was wrong!  Will went with me to see her and she basically sat down and said, “Let’s do it.”  My description of my fatigue was a big part of what made a difference, I think.

She put me on 25mcg of Synthroid – the lowest dose available.  It took a few weeks, but I started to feel better.  I was still totally fatigued but at least I could take joy in simple pleasures and begin to feel like anything was worth doing.  I went back and saw her again in January, told her I was still pretty symptomatic but a little better, and asked if we could try increasing the dose.

This Thursday, I had more blood tests run, and I got the results yesterday.

You guys it is totally working.  My antibodies were at 42 in May, 120 in October, and are now at 37.  Anything below 35 is NORMAL NORMAL, not just kind of normal!

But there is work to be done.  My hair is still falling out.  I’m still pretty fatigued.  And hey, positive for antibodies is positive for antibodies.

It’s no secret that Will and I would like to have a kid, soonish.  Thanks to my tons o’ reading, I have a good sense (and will soon have an even better one because I’m going to get another other book about this) of what my thyroid profile needs to look like so I can provide enough thyroid hormone for a fetus in its first 12 weeks of gestation.  (After that, protobaby can make its own thyroid hormone.)  So I am going to keep experimenting with dosage until I get within that profile.  Then we can celebrate and keep me on that dosage.  Until I’m there, though, I’m not going to consider myself well on my way to healing.

And, of course, I’m not going to ever stop working to feel better, because this is a life-long condition.

Now you have all the backstory you need for future things to make sense!

Anyhoo.  I’m working my way through her blog archives and I just got to this post on declaring your independence.

In the free PDF she gives away, one page you’re supposed to print up and fill out offers two prompts:

I declare my independence from…

I declare myself independent.  I am free to…

Here’s how I want to complete those statements today:

I declare my independence from worrying about other people’s reactions.  This is specifically a concern in the workplace but it applies more generally – I can only do what I can do.  My worry about how they will respond produces no benefit.

I declare myself independent.  I am free to let my best be good enough.  Leonie warns against soul comparing (as does my friend Chrissy, actually).  As a corollary to not worrying about other people’s reactions, I am going to do what I can do and then let go.  Maybe somebody else would handle a situation differently or better than I did.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m doing what I can, when I can, as I can.  And that has to be enough.  It just has to be.

It feels good to say these things.

I feel like the title is self-explanatory but just in case it’s not, if you want to participate, you just make a list on Thursday of stuff that made you happy.  (Usually for the past week but it’s free-form enough I bet you could get away with listing anything that made you happy, ever.)  I like to make lists of 7s so I’ll probably come up with 7 things.

1. My adorable damask notebook from Michaels.  Michaels has this seasonal section up at the front of the store and I found this notebook in there.  I bought it so I could write down good stuff or things that inspire me.

2. How nice it was that the cashier at Michaels said I was considerate.  This notebook didn’t have a wrapping with a barcode on it, so I took up a different one (similar but with a different design but I assumed the same price).  I said to the cashier, “I want this one, but I brought this other one to show you for the price,” and she said that was considerate.  It was nice of her to say that.  (It made me a little sad though, to think of other customers bringing her unwrapped things and fussing over the price of them.)

3. The fact that when I left Michaels, a driver let me walk in front of the car.  I was going back to my car and fully prepared to let the SUV pass before me, but the driver waved me across.  Courtesy is a good.

4. How easy it is to re-work crocheted items.  I was making a present for my mom, and I was so dissatisfied with how it was turning out – the first several times because I was running out of yarn, and then the last time because not only was I running out of yarn, but also it just looked silly to me.  But it was super easy every time to just undo it, wind the yarn into a ball, and start over.  Low-stress crafting.  I love it.

5. The fact that I was comfortable modifying the pattern for said gift.   Because I was dissatisfied with it in the end – it just looked goofy to me, like something a clown would wear, which is fine for clowning but not for everyday (at least, not for my mom).  So I undid the next to last row and skipped it and the gift came out beautifully.  There was a time in my life when I would’ve railed against this kind of improvisation.

6. The Cat.  Just look at him.  He’s gorgeous.

7. Having a Computer Guy Dad. Last night I dropped my laptop and it messed up the display, so now I need a new LCD.  Fortunately, I did this just days before my parents and brother are scheduled to visit, and my dad is fairly confident that he’ll be able to replace it.  (Of course, if he’s not, I know a place to go to for laptop repair.)  Ordering the part was super easy, too.  So something that could have been an expensive disaster has turned into a less-expensive inconvenience.

Not the most exciting outfit, is it?  I don’t mind its lack of color or even its lack of a distinctive silhouette.  But it’s missing a bit of magic (even though those earrings are precious and I love them).

As I was putting laundry away today and considering getting rid of my solid colored t-shirts and goth khakis in favor of fabulous prints and thrilling skirts, I realized that no – I actually like this look.  I like that it’s so easy for me to create an ensemble that, even if it lacks panache, matches quite well.  For a long time I didn’t think about making sure my pieces could all work together.  Now I do, and I’m pleased with the results.  But while I feel fairly put together in an outfit like this, I’m not really having any fun.  So I thought about different things I could do to liven this up a bit without straying too far from the formula.  Here are a few thoughts  I came up with, in order of how easy/cheap they would be to implement.

Wear more interesting earrings.  I love studs in fun shapes, and little roses.  They’re especially good on a day when my hair is down.  But my hair is up a lot of the time, and not only does it look a bit dull that way but it sort of flattens out the look of my face.  Dangly earrings – of which I have quite a few but of which I’d be happy to have more – restore my face to its true length and add some fun to an otherwise conservative look.

Explore hair accessories.  I have rather long hair.  On a good day, it ‘s gorgeous and almost an accessory all by itself.  On a bad day it’s icky and dull and I toss it in a bun and try to forget about it.  I can’t wear hats at work (sadface!) but this is still a missed opportunity.  Combs and clips work great in my hair.  Some elastic headbands do, too.  My head is too fat for your more traditional plastic headbands but the selection of elastic ones is getting better all the time.

Embrace adventurous hosiery.  Fun socks do improve an outfit like this, and tights – even if they’re just in an interesting solid color – will pick up a plain black dress or black or gray skirt.  I’ve got them in nude, black, white, forest green, and fuchsia from We Love Colors, but it might be time to add more colors to my repertoire.

Get crazy with my camis.  The two camis I wear most often are the Jockey No Panty Line Promise just like the one pictured here, one in white and one in black.  But I also have a Jockey luxe cami that’s purple and another Jockey cami I found at the thrift store that’s red with lovely lace edging at the top.  These camis aren’t expensive, but they’re not cheap, either.  But the cost per wear has to be in the fraction of a cent range and they’re very high quality, so it’d be worth it for me to invest in some more colors and styles.

Add fun layers.  For a while I thought blazers were going to get this done, but I’ve since learned that I don’t love a blazer.  I do love a velvet jacket, though.  And I’ve grown quite fond of cardigans, as well.  Because I work in schools, climate control is always a little iffy (they just can never seem to get it right and I’ve worked at 8 schools if you count internships).  So depending on layers to make the look more interesting isn’t a solo fix – the fun layer should really be paired with some earrings or a hair accessory.

Try some more interesting knit tops.  If I buy tops from places that aren’t Old Navy, I might find them in more interesting shapes and prints.  Also perhaps better quality.  I love my Old Navy perfect V-necks but they get those little holes in them.  I’m wondering if a higher end tee would have this problem as quickly.

Swap out the khakis, cords, & twill pants for my skirts.  I love a good skirt and I live in a place where it’s rarely so cold that a good pair of tights can’t keep my legs warm.  I think the main reason I don’t wear them more often is that I’m still negotiating the best way to wear tops with them – tucked in?  Out?  Obviously length of the top is a factor but how long is too long to wear with a skirt?

For the next little while, I’m going to try and pay more attention to these kinds of things and see if I don’t have a bit more fun with my clothes.

These rules have come from a variety of sources, but I primarily credit Missus Smartypants, the original What Not to Wear Book (thank you for that suggestion, Alana), and the Lucky Shopping Manual.  There are also just some things you learn from living and wearing clothes.

I complain a lot about how hard it is for me to find things that flatter me and it’s because I’m pretty strict about following these rules.  If something breaks these rules, I’m not going to feel good in it, and if I’m not going to feel good in it, what’s the point?

Me in the Mikado; taken by Lyle Bass

As you can see from this picture of me in my costume for The Mikado, I’m working with these truths:

• I am short and entirely proportional in terms of bone structure – it’s not that I’m not tall, but my shoulder width, arm length, leg length, etc. are all much smaller than average.
• I have a smallish waist when we’re speaking of my own proportions; it nips in and gives me an hourglass shape.
• I am not small around otherwise.  My bust doesn’t need attention drawn to it or volume added to it.  Neither do my hips or stomach.

I say these things not to offer criticisms of my own body, but to justify the rules I’m about to share.  Also, I’m about to refer to myself as tiny a good bit.  Now, I’m a size 16 at most stores (though a 14 some and I think even up to a 22 others, sizes are so variable), but I’m so short that I still feel justified using tiny here.  If you disagree, that’s your business.

Here are my rules, in order vaguely from head to toe:

1. Well-fitting foundational garments are crucial.
2. I prefer shirts with a v-neck or scoopneck.  A crewneck, especially in a solid color, creates a vast expanse of fabric from hip to collarbone.  I feel freakish with that much solid up top.  If I’m wearing a crewneck, I like to break the line with a sweater or blazer or somesuch thing that creates a vertical line.
3. I just don’t wear button up shirts.  The buttons always pull, usually at both the top and the bottom.
4. I prefer small jewelry.  Necklaces usually don’t have a length of more than 22″ and even that’s a bit long.  This is for two reasons: a long necklace creates a flat line hanging straight down the bust, which makes it harder to notice that my waist does go in (and I like that my waist goes in, no apologies for that).  Also, large jewelry looks ridiculous on a tiny person.  We look like we’re playing dress up, and, as fun as that is, I don’t care to cultivate the appearance of being a child.
5. Likewise, I prefer small prints.  I look very silly with giant flowers emblazoned all over me.
6. I don’t like to wear shirts or dresses with chest pockets, bows at the neck, or ruffles.  These add bulk to the bustline and that makes me self-conscious.  (If you want to spend some time deconstructing the psychology behind that, cool.  But I’m not going to, not right now anyway.)
7. I prefer medium-width belts.  Skinny belts don’t really do much but as I’m incredibly short-waisted, wide belts make me look as though the bust connects directly to the hips, with no torso at all in between.
8. I prefer pants with a rise that falls at my natural waist.  I have a small waist but if I wear pants where the waist measurement really ought to be a hip measurement, that cuts across the lower abdomen which causes discomfort and usually, because my waist and lower abdomen aren’t the same, means that if I bought the pants online I now have very ill-fitting pants.  (I learned this in just the past year, and pay much more attention to the rise of pants now.)
9. I prefer A-line or poofy skirts.  This makes my bottom balance out my top and usually highlights the waist.
10. I prefer bootcut pants.  Skinny or straightleg pants make me feel like I look like a frog.  Wide leg pants give me that playing dressup feel again.  Bootcut look just right and, I feel like, lengthen the leg a bit too.
11. I like skirts to fall an inch above or an inch below the knee.  You can’t tell from the Mikado picture but I have powerful calves.  Great for walking or dancing, but it makes me look even shorter than I am.  Skirts at this length keep from making the legs look even shorter.
12. Knit fabrics give me a happy.  They stretch in the right places but don’t look baggy.
13. I just can’t wear shoes with a heel higher than 2″, and even 2″ is questionable if the heels aren’t sturdy.  (You will almost never catch me in a kitten heel.)  My ankles are very weak and I twist them even in my trusty Dansko MJs (thanks again, Alana!).
14. I feel my best in black and jewel tones.  Pastels and earth tones leave me feeling washed out and just make me kind of sad.

There are no doubt more, but those are the ones that I keep in my mind foremost when I’m shopping.  I will break the rules occasionally, especially if something captures my fancy or is at a thrift shop or on clearance for under $5 (Target, I’m looking at you!).  But mostly, these are the rules.  As you can see, they’re somewhat limiting.

True story: For all that I’m a self-endeared egomaniac, I’ve got beaucoups insecurity. (Don’t we all?) I’m super judgmental of everybody, but most especially of me. And most especially since I graduated from library school. Because in school, it’s pretty easy to tell if you’re a rock star. There’s grades, and people being impressed with you, and feeling precocious. Once you’re out in the world, it’s hard to know if you’re still a rock star or not. I mean, it’s hard to get a job, and once you do get it, um, hi, there’s a learning curve. And me being me, I’m uncomfortable with a learning curve. I want to be good at it NOW. I love to learn. I just don’t want to need to, you know?

Anyway. This has manifested as me being especially hard on myself of late, in just about every field, at the same time as I’m trying to go easy on myself for the sake of my health.

So. Radical Self Love. Let’s get back on topic here. It’s a thing I need, due to the aforementioned being self-critical and whatnot. And the first assignment once you’ve found your notebook to serve as a Radical Self Love Bible (mine has a shiny blue cover with holographic circle and square patterns!) is to write an invocation, to sort of set your intentions for this whole Radical Self-Love thing.

So I thought about it. And, you know, some people are into self-marriage, which is rockin’, but not my thing.

But I thought, What if I were to love myself like a sister? I love my sister the most. If other people say mean things about my sister it ticks me right off. If other people indicate I have things in common with my sister, I’m immensely flattered. If I were to treat myself the way I treat my sister, I’d be treating myself pretty great maybe 95% of the time. (The other 5% I’d be offering myself all that’s left in empty soda cans, telling myself I’m stupid for being self-critical, and being very jealous of my singing voice. Which might work for me too, now that I think about it. Well the empty soda can thing is pretty mean, but the other stuff.)

So there’s my intention for Radical Self Love. I’m going to love me like a sister. We’ll see how it goes!

1. Acted in or been involved with over 30 theatrical productions. Sometimes as many as 4 or 5 at a time.
2. Kept correspondence with two of my heroes (Piers Anthony and Joss Whedon).
3. Held a costumed Phantom of the Opera sing along.
4. Hosted a red carpet Tony Awards party.
5. Sung karaoke. A lot.
6. Taken voice lessons.
7. Taken dance lessons.
8. Gone to law camp.
9. Produced a play.
10. Written, produced, and acted in a sketch with my sister, who is my favorite person.
11. Written hundreds of pages for school assignments.
12. Won the Dean’s Achievement Award!
13. Figured out how to use IBM’s SPSS statistics software to interpret data from a survey.
14. Taught hundreds of high school students Latin. (Probably only in the realm of 300 or so but still.)
15. Written in English and translated into Latin a 10-minute skit with epic and romance elements.
16. Planned a beautiful beach wedding.
17. Had my gall bladder removed and, in a drug-addled state, insisted that I am an actress and that they placed a large saltwater shark tank where my gall bladder used to be.
18. Been mistaken for a real fairy by a little girl at the Renaissance Faire.
19. Hosted a fairy picnic.
20. Sung “Part of Your World” while wearing a mermaid costume, and refused to walk onstage but instead had boys carry me on, since mermaids can’t walk.
21. Designed, patterned, and sewn a dress.
22. Learned to play an instrument (alto saxophone).
23. Crocheted a lot of stuff.
24. Flown to LA to meet friends from the Internet.
25. Made many delicious cupcakes.
26. Also made many delicious dinners.
27. Designed several websites.
28. Graduated from UNC three times.
29. Planned an awesome surprise Lilo and Stitch birthday party for Alana.

…there are more, but that’s enough for now.

Fairy Me, taken by Holly Thugut

But my friend Kathy recently introduced me to Goddess Guidebook, where the magical Goddess Leonie writes beautiful things.  As I read Leonie’s archives about her wonderful picnics with friends and magical goddess gatherings, I was reminded to GO DO IT.  I have always been a person who learns and reads and plans.  And when I really commit to doing something, it’s usually pretty great – but I often never get to that stage.

Fairy Erin, taken by Holly Thugut

Inspired by Leonie’s magical ways, I decided to try something different.  I decided that I have lots of friends who like to dress like faeries, and that it would be lovely to have pictures of all of us in our fey garb together.  So I “hosted” a faerie picnic, rather than just thinking about how it might someday be nice to do so.  How to host a faerie picnic:

1. Pick a date and time.

2. Pick a place.

3. Tell your friends.

4. Get or make some wings.

5. Pick up some food.

6. Go to the place on the date at the time.

7. Have a beautiful day!

Pirate Mike and Devil Will, taken by Holly Thugut

It was a wondrously magical day and we were approached by several “mundanes” who wanted to know why we were dressed up.  Some thought we were performance artists, others just thought we were “theatre people” (many of us are but that isn’t what caused us to do this).  We had fun explaining that we felt like having a faerie picnic, and so we did.

Fairy Mary Elisabeth, taken by Holly Thugut

The whole event was a great success, not only because there was a brilliant climbing tree, but also because Caitlyn brought her devil sticks which many of us tried and it also drew in many people who were not there for our picnic but had just come to the gardens on their own.  I highly recommend you host your own faerie picnic.

Fairy Sarah, taken by Will