She Lobes Me

A summary of an imaginary musical

The curtain rises on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer set in Santa Monica one autumn day in the year 2000. The show staff arrive one by one; Tony Head ‘the British guy’ is followed by the hot young actor Nick Brendon on his bicycle, the ‘woman of the world’ Alyson Hannigan and, shortly afterwards, James Marsters, the show’s ‘ladies’ man’. They are joined by Marti Noxon, the supervising producer, and they all muse on the possibilities of a day off (Good Evening, Good Night). These thoughts are shattered with the arrival of Joss who opens the set to its first scene (Sounds While Shooting) which is concluded in a most business-like manner (Thank You Madam). 

Joss tells Nick he has received another letter from his “Dear Fan” – his ongoing secret internet “romance.” They are interrupted by Tony who advises Joss, his dinner guest of the previous evening, to stay away from fans. He recalls his own posting board days (Days Bronzed By). 

Nick says the latest ad-libbed line, a bad pun. As Joss expresses his doubts that anyone will get it, Kiba Rika enters. Joss assumes her to be a bystander but it becomes apparent that she’s looking for an autograph. Despite rejections from Tony and Marti she perseveres and convincingly delivers Nick’s punny line (No More Vampy). After this success Kiba gets her autographs on the spot, and joins the rest of the cast in the (Thank You Madam) refrain. 

Autumn becomes Winter and Joss continues his writing amidst an undercurrent of tensions (Three Emails); Aly and James fall out, Joss and Marti disagree over everything, and Joss and Tony snipe at each other constantly. We learn, however, that Kiba is the recipient of Joss’ emails. 

A February day dawns with Kiba not online yet again. Joss, however, is preoccupied; not only has the weight of Marti’s dissatisfaction fallen solely upon him, but the first meeting with “Dear Fan” has at last been organised. (Tonight At Six

Kiba confides to andyourlittledogtoo about her impending date, and admits that, although they have never met, she feels she knows him well through their correspondence (I Don’t Trust His Face). 

At the moment when Joss is about to fire Marti, Tony averts the immediate crisis by dropping a page of lines. Joss and Tony are left alone, for Tony to expound his life’s philosophy (Respective). 

The cast have been asked to work late to film a shot with extras. When Joss tries to tell Marti that neither he nor Tony can work that evening, Marti provokes another argument and Joss resigns himself to having to sneak out. The members of the cast bid him a sad farewell (Goodbye Joss) and he leaves. Meanwhile, Kiba, dressed in her best clothes and carrying the hat that will identify her to her “Dear Hottie”, also leaves, full of doubts (Will He Like Me). 

Inside the shop James makes it up with Alyson (Aly) and they agree to go out that evening. When Marti suddenly announces that everyone must leave, however, James remembers a prior engagement and lets Alyson down. She determines not to be anyone’s fool any longer (I Resolve). 

As Tony leaves he is met by Joss who has decided he can’t go through with his date with Dear Fan, and asks Tony to take a note with the promise that he will write to her instead. Tony offers his moral support and insists that they both go to the rendezvous. Marti, unaware that Nick is still in his trailer, admits Charisma, a private detective. Tipped off by an anonymous letter, Marti has had Joss’ wife investigated and Charisma tells her the bitter truth – she is indeed keeping correspondence with one of the show’s fans. To Marti’s surprise the guilty party turns out to be Kiba and not Mere, whom she had originally suspected. As Charisma leaves, Marti gets a call from Joss’ wife to say that she’ll be up late again that night. She goes upstairs. As Nick enters he sees Marti, and as he runs into the office we hear a shot… 

We switch our attention to the American Legion Hall, where the PBP committee are welcoming their guests (Bufferific Atmosphere). Joss and Tony arrive and Tony is astonished to learn that “Dear Fan” is actually Kiba. He persuades Joss to go and speak to her. As Four Star Mary plays (Pain), Joss invites himself to join Kiba on the dance floor. A silly conversation ensues with Kiba anxious that Joss’ presence doesn’t frighten off “Dear Hottie”. She eventually loses patience and screams at Joss to leave (Mr. Whedon, Will You Please…). As the cafe closes she realises that her date will not materialise and she sings the plaintive (Dear Hottie). 

Act Two opens in Marti’s hospital room where Nick, having run errands to cover the botched shooting, takes the opportunity for self-advancement (Try Me in a Spinoff). In response to Marti’s note, Joss arrives and listens in open-mouthed amazement to Marti’s apology for not having told him of the fan’s correspondence with his wife. Joss says he knew about it already and the two are friends again. 

Joss calls in to see Kiba who is ‘unwell’ as a result of being too wired from the night before. He is accused of snooping, whereupon she makes a disorganised effort to check her email (Where’s My Power Cord). Joss manages to calm her down and they discuss her failed meeting with “Dear Hottie”, Joss inventing, as he goes along, an old, hairy show producer named James Cameron. After he leaves, Kiba tries to write to “Dear Hottie” but her thoughts return to Joss and his get-well gift (A Smooch on the Cheek). 

Joss returns to the set convinced that the tide has turned in his relationship with Kiba (She Lobes Me). There he finds Aly celebrating her new love (A Trip To the Angel Set) and Tony, who confesses that he sent Marti the anonymous letter to engineer the dismissal of James, which will NEVER takes place, because he couldn’t compete with another British character (Grand Snogging You). 

We follow the frantic last-minute rush of fans to the Torrance set, and the growing friendship of Joss and Kiba (Twelve Days To Sweeps). Marti returns to the store at the close of business on Sweeps Eve, and is presented with a bumper ratings record. As Aly goes off with her new beau Alexis and Tony is about to join his family, Marti whisks Nick – now about to get his own show “Xander the Normal Guy” – off to celebrate. 

Joss is invited to join Kiba and her mother for Sweeps Eve. When she shows him her gift for “Dear Hottie” it is, ironically, the Joss is a Hottie hat. Joss begins to quote one of his emails, and realisation dawns on Kiba that Joss is indeed her “Dear Hottie”. They embrace amid a flurry of snowflakes as the curtain falls. 

By Kiba Rika.
Based on the musical She Loves Me by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick.
To see the original summary of She Loves Me click here.